fading

the insecurities are fading away...
they were so stupid.
you let me know, you let me in.

I'm the one you want now,
and now I know that.
I believe you.
and I love you.

I've never felt like this for anyone.
So strong.

So I was just so scared.
After you told me what you did, I had thought about it.
and It was scary, the thought of losing you, I don't even want to imagine.
But you're right, what we have is untouchable..
And I believe you, I trust you, and I love you.

Be patient with me :/

"Do I hide my pride from these bad dreams?
And give in to sad thoughts that are maddening?
Do I sit here and try to stand it?
Or do I try to catch them red-handed?"


Always liked Linkin Park haha....
Maybe because for the past week, i've literally been crawling in my skin. Yeah, pretty lame, I just dropped a song name, but seriously. I don't know what the fuck is up, i'm sick of this, it's getting fucking old feeling like this. The crying is WAYYYYYYY old. Yet i've been breaking down hard everyday, sometimes unable to talk because I want to cry so bad, and the burning in my chest hurts from keeping it in.

But why? fuck, if I knew, I'd make it go away.
and be Normal again. be ME again. Instead of driving people I love away, I don't want that to happen. Drive everyone crazy by my own craziness... people say they will always be there, but they don't know what it is they're their for, I don't even know :[ what if it's too much for them to handle? If this just gets old? I already sound like a broken record, this already annoys the shit out of me. I trust the people that say they're here for me. But what if I just become a burden. I've seen it happen, in my own house. Mom and Dad.
I don't want to be seen that way.
I'm not that way.

That's why everyday I'm going to fight this. For the sake of myself, and my relationships, the people I love are what keep me going. and for the hope that I will be fine again,

I'm not fucking unfixable, damaged.
I'm scarred,broken but who the fuck isn't?
Things that are broken can be put back together again.


Just please be patient with me. Please...


<3

"Some Kinda Hate"

My birthday was yesterday, it wasn't toooo exciting but it wasn't bad :] Friends came over, and left as soon as they knew we weren't drinking.... hah.
Erik staying over was of course the best part :] That's what I look forward to everyday.. shh don't tell him.

Friday, I'm gonna say was my birthday :] Erik and I went to see A Day To Remember in San Diego, a band he got me into, that I actually really like hah, don't tell him that either. And we had Red Lobster cause we've both been wanting Seafood :D I got the ultimate feast.... shit man.... I almost nearly died. One more bite and I wouldn't be typing right now. Then we went to the beach down the street from there, and that was cool, it smelled pretty, I love the beach :]] I love that I get to do cool things with him<3
Then we took a LOOOONNGGGGGG "adventure" ride home lol, and almost got killed in Brawley :O


hmm... so down to today and yesterday.
Mom's still fucked up on the Xanax and Methadone. mmm. fucking pisses me off, she's making no sense, and I need her help with some things right now, like school, or hey, did you remember my birthday this year mom? I know you were fucked up last year too!
At least I don't cry about it anymore. I've become numb to it, she really does act so stupid. I'm used to it :] it's not a big deal, people have dealt with a hell of a lot worse. It's just annoying.


mmmm goohbyee

I'm so fragile

If everyday were like today..I'd die. i hate when i wake up feeling like this. It's the worst feeling ever. It's hopelessness, sadness, worthlessness, depression, and I feel like I just don't know what to do with myself. Like something is missing from me and I'll never get it back. like something was taken from me something important that makes me whole. that makes me myself. and it's gone. and it's changed me. what if he gets sick of this? i complain about everything. I'm sad all the damn time when there is nothing wrong. I want to make him happy. not bring him down with me. what if he regrets ever trying to be with me? what if i become a burden? i'll fight harder just to prevent that but i'm fragile. and I don't know how to be strong again. More then anything I want this to go away so I can be happy and make the ones around me happy and stop having to depend on them to make me happy. it isnt anyones job to make me whole and fulfilled. I just want to feel like myself again. everyday. I feel it somedays but days like this ruin it and when I have days like this I get the feeling this may never go away......

Rollercoaster

Amazing

I feel better.

told you I wasn't gonna let anything bring me down!

All Time High..

To an all time low.
wtf? how does that happen?
why let things get to me?
your moms still an addict?
so what.
Your best friend moved away and shes the only girl you can really talk too?
so what.
your transmission is going out and your job let you go?
so what.


haaa. so what.

right?

Smart pills

I feel so good today :) woke up early. Finally completing a full day of school, did some homework, took some SMART medicine :D And following my diet woohoo!
I refuse to let anythingg bring me down :)
I miss Erik though haha. But what else is new? ahh shut up Lauren you freak haha.
who knew life would get better? guess it had too :)
when everything goes down it has no where else to go but up :) but then it has no where else to go down :/ ahh shut up stay positive. stop jinxing yourself!